literature

Untitled HSO Work

Deviation Actions

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Literature Text

CG: HEY.
CG: HELLO?
CG: FOR FUCKS SAKE SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING.
CG: IS ANYONE OUT THERE?
CG: ANYBODY?
CG: PLEASE JUST SAY ONE GODDAMN WORD.
CG: SOMEBODY.
CG: ANYBODY.
CG: PLEASE.

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you're the epitome of fuck ups. The best of the best and, you know what they say; it's lonely at the top. It's also pretty lonely on a frozen rock that's hurtling through space and time.

You're almost certain you made the correct choice though; there is nothing in your mind that bothers to correct you. Worthless, that's what you are. Worthless and dangerous. If it hadn't been for you all your friends would be alive. If you hadn't been born you wouldn't have doomed an entire universe to death. By stepping away from your friends, comrades, lover, you saved them from yourself. This strain of cancer dies with you.

There's a lot of time to think. Too much time. Why is there so much time? Along with time there is a lot of nothingness. Outside, the small remnant of the veil traveled through darkness. As you stared out into the inky black that was your projected path you knew, you knew that this was it. You've made it past the game's limits, and nothing new spawned. Not even a horror terror could keep you company. To be wrapped up in insanity and tentacles might be a relief for you, their whispers could distract your mind from how fucked you are. A part of you yearned for that.

Instead of jumping off that ledge into who knows where you went back downstairs away from the depression the void offered and into the depression that loomed in the empty halls and choked the vacant rooms. You can't escape the miles?  Bullshit, you can escape that shit just fine. What you really can't escape is loneliness, or sadness.

It latches on and won't let go. Day by godforsaken day it eats at you, slowly tearing you apart. Your body doesn't show it, but your mind does. You know with each passing moment you grow more distant from your friends as well as yourself. Trolls are naturally solitary, but this is a whole different playing field. This isn't just being solitary; this is being the last living being in a whole plane of existence. This is knowing that no matter how hard you pound on your keyboard or scream at trollian you are alone. You are without contact from anyone.

***

As a friendleader you could never understand that moment months ago. You still can't. No matter how many times you go over it in your head you'll never understand why Karkat pulled away at the last second. You'll never know what was going through his head when he broke your embrace and ran into the lab as Jade's powers moved you to the new universe. Nothing you
think of could make what he did make sense.

You've tried asking others, you've tried so hard to understand. The best Terezi could offer you was that Karkat had a hatred he couldn't escape. It wasn't a hatred of you, or your friends, hell it wasn't even of Bec or the other monstrosities you faced. He had a burning hatred of himself. According to Terezi and Kanaya it was enough to cripple his mind and delude him into thinking
he was worthless.

He's not worthless though.

He's Karkat Vantas.

Strong leader.

Good friend.

And you loved him.

You loved him so much it hurt. So when you saw his back and watched him run away it was like a part of you was running with him. Nothing has been the same since. Emotions don't make sense, they don't seem to matter. When you invest so much into one person and that person leaves you alone forever, well… you just can't get over that sort of betrayal. There's no guarantee you'll ever love again. It took weeks for your smile to return and for the tears to stop streaming down your face. You're to the point where hearing the words "car" and "cat" don't trigger a panic attack followed by sobbing until you threw up.

The world moves on, unfortunately. Worlds keep spinning, planets continue to orbit and space expands, day turns to night and rain falls regardless of if your boyfriend is with you or not. But this won't stop you from looking up into the heavens and staring at the stars.

"I wonder if you made these for me too?"

It was a doubtful thought, but you liked to hold onto something. Maybe, just maybe he was watching you from somewhere.

***

You cannot count how many bags of tasteless grubcorn you've eaten or how many shitty movies you've watched the past year of being on this asteroid. You've turned one small room into your own personal nest. You sit like a spider, in the middle of a tangle of blankets and pillows that have replaced the long since soured sopor slime. Alchemizing random items was fun at first, but it quickly lost its appeal when the realization that no one will see your creations set in. Instead you made any movie you could remember the title to, and few you made up just to see if they were real.

Wasting the days away watching perfect couples living in perfect worlds with perfect fucking everything seemed like the best thing to do when you own life tanked so hard.

You were sure this was the correct choice. You were so goddamn sure this was the right thing to do. But as you watch yet another main character struggle above his faults you begin to doubt yourself. Was there a possibility that you could have saved yourself? Could you have clawed your way out of the pit of self hate and worry long enough to see the sun? Obviously you couldn't, but maybe if you had fought harder you might have been able to.

Maybe you'll ask an alternate timeline Karkat if you ever pass one.

For now you'll have to deal with the notion that maybe you just completed the biggest fuck up of your incredibly short life.

Doubting yourself hurts. All the confidence you had built up, all the times you told yourself that you did it for your friends, you did it to save them, and all the times you were so sure that it was necessary are suddenly thrown into turmoil. You realize that maybe you weren't worried about your friends, maybe you didn't give a single fuck about their safety. Understanding your hatred for yourself has in a sense doomed your own existence and you sacrificed your happiness not for your friends, but for yourself. Deep down in that black pit you once called a bloodpusher and
John called a heart you wanted this.

Deep down, you never wanted to be happy. And now you aren't.  

There are windows in the lab complex. Windows that once used to give you spectacular views of the monsters of the deep as well as the glittering, glowing, pulsating new worlds forming in the aftermath of suns imploding or exploding. Hours could be spent staring into them, watching the dust swirl into what would become artificial planets, most likely to act as a host for another game session. But now, now there is nothing. You still sit and watch. Your vivid golden and red eyes stare deep into the blackness. And while you sit there you can't help yourself from thinking about everything you left behind.

His name hurts to think about.

His stupid buckteeth and messy hair hurts to think about.

You're pretty sure an actual pain rises in your chest when you remember his voice, or his blue eyes.

Nothing will ever erase that moment you left him from your mind. His shocked and saddened expression will haunt you long after you die.

***

Like you said before, the world keeps spinning and life keeps moving. You miss Karkat, you really do. There isn't a doubt in your mind that you will never not miss him, or stop loving him.

You just hope that wherever he is, he's happy. Or at peace, or something.

EB: hey karkat?
EB: are you there?
EB: i doubt it, haha.
EB: you haven't been here for years.
EB: years are a long time you know?
EB: they're made up of lots and lots of days.
EB: days that i haven't been able to see you.
EB: or talk to you.
EB: or prank you.
EB: days where i feel like i'm missing a huge part of who i am.
EB: i hope you're happy, wherever you are.
EB: because i'm not.
EB: and i don't think i ever will be.
EB: bye karkat.

***

You haven't spoken in god knows how long.

You're not even sure you remember how to form words.

The power on the asteroid has begun to flicker. It's only a matter of time before it goes dark.

Before the heater gives out and freeze to death. Before the alchemiter shuts down and you starve. It's only a matter of time before you're free.

It's been four days since the power surge left half the asteroid without power. Currently you're stationed in front of the biggest window this shitty hell hole has to offer. Eyes look without looking into the distance. Not even your blankets can stop your shivering. Your food has long since run out. Trolls are good at surviving, it's their specialty. But you're pretty sure that one needs a will to continue on, and that's one thing you're severely lacking.

With trembling fingers you open your husktop and use the last bit of power to type.

It's an apology.

CG: I'M SORRY.
CG: SO FUCKING SORRY.
CG: I THOUGHT I WAS BEING THE HERO.
CG: I THOUGHT I WAS SAVING EVERYONE.
CG: I THOUGHT I WASN'T DOOMING YOU ALL TO ANOTHER FUCKED UP UNIVERSE.
CG: BUT. THAT'S A LIE. I WASN'T SAVING ANYTHING. I WAS RUNNING AWAY FROM MY OWN FEARS.
CG: I CAN ALMOST BE CERTAIN THAT I MADE LIFE MISERABLE FOR YOU, AND MY FRIENDS.
CG: THERE'S A HOLE IN ME THAT CAN'T BE FILLED ANYMORE.
CG: I'M ALL OUT OF HATE.
CG: I'M ALL OUT OF HOPE.
CG: I'M ALL OUT OF EVERYTHING.
CG: SAD DOESN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE WHAT I FEEL.
CG: I DON'T THINK THERE'S A WORD.
CG: BUT IT'S OK, BECAUSE SOON I'LL BE DEAD.
CG: I'LL GET WHAT A SELFISH ASSHOLE LIKE ME DESERVES.
CG: I HOPE I GET TRAPPED IN A DREAM BUBBLE.
CG: I PRAY I CAN WATCH THAT SCENE UNFOLD OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
CG: I'LL SCREAM MYSELF RAW IN HOPES THAT SOMEONE WILL HEAR.
CG: MAYBE IT'LL BE ANOTHER VERSION OF ME, FROM SOME SPLINTER TIMELINE.
CG: MAYBE THAT IDIOT WILL HEAR ME AND I CAN STOP THIS.
CG: I WISH I WAS A TIME PLAYER.
CG: THERE IS SO MUCH I WOULD TRY TO FIX.
CG: THERE IS SO MUCH I WOULD WANT TO SAY.
CG: JOHN, IF THIS REACHES YOU BY SOME FUCKING MIRACLE.
CG: I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU.
CG: AND THAT I REGRET EVERYTHING.
CG: I'm sorry.

Your husktop shuts down for the final time. Space has never looked so inviting. The lights flicker and your world goes dark forever.

***

The wind picks up and urges your attention skyward. It's dark outside and the stars are out in full force. You smile and laugh at the wind as it caresses your cheek and whispers in your ears.

"Ok, ok! I'm looking, jeez!" the wind seems to respond by making sure the hair is out of your eyes as you gaze into the twinkling sky. "What exactly am I supposed to be looking for?" The wind blows at you harder as soon as you look away. "It's just the sky, come on you have to be more specific. This better not be a prank, you know your pranks suck."

You tilt your head skyward and watch the stars glow in the inky blackness. It's then that you see it. It's a shooting star, one that is big and shining bright. You watch it break up in the new planet's atmosphere and cause shards of glittering rock to skitter across the sky. It's beautiful. Standing transfixed your eyes never leave the spectacle, it stays in the sky for minutes, longer than you ever thought possible. The wind comes back and wraps comfortingly around you.

Tears are moving down your face and you're not sure why. Somehow, as you watch that meteor break apart you feel something you haven't felt in a very long time.

You feel…

Free.
This was a piece of writing for the HSO collaboration round I did. It wasn't used in the end but I figured I should upload it anyways. I'll title it later, as well as write an alternate happy end too.

Also Chibi did an amazing drawing to match!!
© 2012 - 2024 Tien13
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willcraftapple's avatar
It's a really good thing I don't have much of a soul. Instead you have broken the aqueducts of my eyes. Curses.