literature

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Mutate 2/2

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His neck was red, like it had a rash, but it didn’t itch, it looked more like it was raw. It hurt, he wasn’t sure why either. Maybe it was pain leftover from mutating, or maybe it was from the bandages rubbing against the sensitive parts, or maybe if they dried out they hurt? He hadn’t a clue. They stilled moved when he thought about moving them. He could get them to flare out and open and close. When he wasn’t thinking about them they sat flush to the side of his neck. He figured that maybe if they stayed that way they would be less noticeable and he might still pass for human, just with strange scars on his neck.

For now, he’d keep them covered. He didn’t want to risk anything.

He stepped into the shower and felt relief as the water washed over him. It was pleasantly warm and he relaxed and began scrubbing down. Blood and dirt swirled down the drain while he worked. Nate told Hancock that he needed time to process what happened yesterday, which was partially true. He was still unnerved about how close he came to dying. The wasteland wasn’t a gentle place, that was well known. They risked death every time they left the protection of the settlement. But people needed help and they weren’t going to sit back fearing what might happen.

Death was a part of life. They were linked and danced with each other frequently. Nate always thought he’d be ready when his time came, that he had come to peace with the fact that his life could be over at any moment. But yesterday just proved that deep down he wanted to do so much more, and that dying now was something he was not ok with. He was going to be even more careful each time he had to leave safety. He didn’t want to scare his friends again either. Knowing the fact that Hancock had spent a whole day in that freezing river searching for him weighed heavy on his heart. Never again, he didn’t want them to worry like that again. 

He tilted his head forward and let water pour through his hair and wash out the grime, then flushed his gills with clean water and shut the shower off. They stung a bit, but nothing too bad or abnormal feeling.

In a few more moments he emerged from the bathroom clean and with replacement bandages around his neck. “Beat my high score?” He asked casually and flopped down next to Hancock.

“No,” he said not looking up from the Pip-Boy. “How do you get a score that high? You cheat?”

“It’s called skill,” he laughed. “I’m actually surprised, your reflexes are way better than mine, games should be easy.”

“Reflexes apparently aren’t all I need,” he said. “Well, if the water heater’s still on, guess I better go clean up too…not that I need to, spent most of yesterday taking an extended bath.”

“Sorry, Hancock, really. For what it’s worth, I’m grateful you cared so much about finding my body. Most people would have just left it.”

“Yeah well, you’re something special Trouble, can’t go leaving you behind.”



Nate returned the Pip-Boy to his wrist, where its familiar weight was a comfort. He didn’t know why he still wore it, sure it was useful to have a portable holotape player, but it wasn’t something he needed. He didn’t really need the map to travel anymore and it’s only real function was keeping tabs on all the projects he had running at the different settlements. All things he could do with a pencil and piece of paper.

He played around a bit with a few of the games but decided to just close his eyes and rest a bit. Getting off his feet felt good and he needed this short break before he got back to work. Nate heard the water shut off and the door swing open. He cracked one eye open and saw Hancock stroll in with just his pants tied loosely around his waist.

Hancock didn’t say anything; he just sat down next to Nate. “Mmmm wet ghoul,” Nate chuckled.

“Hey,” he said moving over to straddle Nate. “I happen to know you love the smell of wet ghoul.”

“You kinda have to when you date one,” Nate replied with a smile.

Hancock pressed his forehead to Nate’s and was quiet for a while. The two just sat there in silence, listening to each other breathe. “So uh,” Hancock said softly. “You come to terms with yesterday?”

Nate took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering, “Yeah. Yeah, I did. You?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Almost dying…puts it all into perspective. I’m going to try to you know, cherish the time more, I think. I’m always off doing something, it’s like I can’t slow down. But I want to change, take it day by day and really enjoy the moments, and the people I’m with.”

Hancock nodded. “I thought I lost you, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. Not even coming to terms with going ghoul could stand up to what I felt yesterday. And the truly scary part, is that I understand that it could be either of us that goes. You or me, we got equal chances of not living through to the next sunrise.” He felt Nate’s arm tighten around him. “I always thought we were invincible, that I was invincible, and that I could protect everything I loved. I’m not, we’re not. And I know that now.”

“Did you really spend all day looking for me?”

“I did, and I was prepared to search all of today too.”

Nate pressed a kiss to Hancock’s forehead. “You’re too good for me.”

“Me? Good? Nah that ain’t my style. You’re the one who came into Goodneighbor like a whirlwind. You were a breath of fresh air to that place, and hanging around you, seeing what you’ve built… it prompted me to change. I’m not good, that’s you, all I am is loyal.”

“That’s a bit of bullshit,” Nate said. “Why do you think I’ve hung around you for so long?”

“Mmmm, my charming good looks and overwhelming charisma?”

That got a laugh out of Nate who said, “Well, there was that and the fact I find you, the real you John, to be quite the amazing individual. You stood up for the ghouls of Diamond City even though a whole town was against you, you tried to help them in the wastes, then  when you first started living in Goodneighbor you saw corruption and couldn’t stand by and watch another settlement be run by an asshole. You did something about it and even though your way of helping is a bit harsher than mine, it got the job done. You’re a good man, and you want to be even better. I can respect that.”

Hancock looked away, a bit of embarrassment flowing through him. “Nah, I still think it was my handsome mug.”

“You are handsome,” Nate said. “Come on, we should make some rounds, make sure no one needs anything.”

Hancock reluctantly got up and tossed a shirt on. Sometimes he felt too exposed when he wasn’t wearing his normal get up, but the coat and hat could be a bit much in the sun. He just didn’t like the way he was missing an identifier. You look at Nate and you see his strong jaw, the scar that runs from just above his right eye down to his throat, or the layers of dark hair that somehow stayed soft and fluffy despite the conditions of the wasteland. Nate has features, Hancock felt that without his clothes he was just another ghoul. Common folk could hardly tell which thin, wrinkled face belonged to which ghoul. Sure, his eyes were special, but from far away… he was just a nobody.

“It’s going to rain,” Nate said when the exited the house.

“What? It’s sunny, not a cloud in the sky, how can you tell?”

Nate shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said, “I’ve always been able to tell when it’s going to rain. We should be quick, we don’t need to take a second shower.” He climbed up the ladder to the very top of the house. He passed a window where he could see Nick busy writing something at his desk. Once at the top he checked the rain collectors to make sure they were free of debris and there were no holes. Then he rejoined Hancock on the ground. “We should tell everyone to check their water reservoirs. Now would be a good time to shower or drain some out for cooking before the rain so they can refill.”

Together they moved from house to house then out into the fields. The land between the water and the houses had been turned into a large field of crops. They grew everything from mutfruit to razorgrain. In the wider, deeper portion of the water Nate had assembled an army of water purifiers that they used to water the crops and provide the whole settlement with drinking water. The rest they bottled and sold to caravans in exchange for large shipments of wood and copper.

Hancock had to give the vault dweller major props, for a guy new to this world; he was one hell of a leader. He hadn’t just transformed Sanctuary Hills, it seemed that wherever he went he brought fresh ideas and ways to transform a small grouping of shacks into a grand settlement anyone would be jealous to live in. In fact, there was a waitlist to get into Sanctuary and the Outpost, two of his more established settlements.

The first few drops of water started to fall while they were heading back to their house. Nate grabbed Hancock’s wrist and they sprinted for the door just as it started to pour. “Made it,” Nate panted.

“Just in time.” Hancock moved back to the couch and sat down.

“Anything on the TV?” Nate asked, in the same joking tone that always accompanied that question.

“Hmm, let me check,” Hancock sat up and pushed the button. “Please stand by,” he reported.

“Boo, I’ve seen that one already,” Nate laughed and started to rummage through the fridge. The TV was a throwback to an era long gone; he didn’t know why he kept it around besides nostalgia. The fridge however, at least that served a purpose. “What do you want for dinner? There’s some leftover radstag and corn, we could heat that up.”

Hancock said, “Doesn’t matter to me Love, anything is fine.”

“Even radroach?”

He frowned. “No, I guess not anything. The only time that looks appetizing is when I’m starving.” Nate grabbed a small pan from a cupboard and put a bit of water in the base before emptying the leftovers into it and lighting the small stove. “Even then, it doesn’t look appetizing.”

“Ok, dinner will be ready shortly,” he said brightly and sat down next to Hancock. “Got anything you want to do tonight?”

Hancock shrugged and pushed Nate back onto the couch. “Not really,” he said and rested his head on Nate’s chest. “Rainy days are pretty boring; I usually pass them with a bit of recreational chem use, but…” He trailed off.

“I know, thanks by the way. I know it’s not easy to give something like that up.”

“Damn right it ain’t, but I’ll do it for you.” Hancock knew he didn’t have to stop taking chems, but Nate had opened up to him once while they were out beneath the stars. He said that back in the day they liberally used psycho and jet on the soldiers, made them more angry, better shots, and less likely to question orders. It really fucked Nate up. Now he didn’t touch the stuff. It was a miracle he used stimpaks. So to make him more comfortable Hancock said he’d try to go clean, which was a bitch.

Nate draped an arm over Hancock and just listened to the rain pounding the ground outside. Both were too lost in thought to hear the footsteps descending from the left. “Hey, uh, hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Nick said as he stepped into the main living room. He saw them laying on the couch and took a step back towards the door. “I can go, if you want, but with this rain… it’d be nice to have some company.”

They both sat up and Nate motioned for Nick to come inside. “No, no, it’s no trouble. We were just trying to figure out what to do for the rest of the night. Besides, you’re always welcome Nick, you know that.”

Their friend sat down on the chair opposite the couch and at Nate’s request started to tell the story about the group of raiders he scared off by pretending to initiate a self-destruct.

---

His gills were getting harder to hide. Much to Nate’s displeasure they hadn’t stopped growing and now stuck out several inches if he flared them. Though nobody said it outright, he could tell that they were begging to grow suspicious of his choice in neckwear. From scarves to bandages and high collars people were begging to question. He tried to say it was a new style he was trying out, or say he was injured again, but with the high heat, nobody seemed to believe him.

MacCready was convinced he had been drunk and gotten a horrible tattoo the last time he was in Diamond City. The others knew something was up but they didn’t push. Sometimes though, he could feel their eyes on his back. To make matters worse they didn’t stay the same fleshy pink color they had been when he first got them.

When he unwrapped the bandages one night to shower he noticed that the tops had started to turn a greenish blue hue. At first he thought it was a fungus or something, from being wrapped up so much. But when he got closer to the mirror to examine them they were perfectly healthy. He wouldn’t call it scales, but the skin felt different, rougher, especially in the areas of color. He frowned, the contrast between the blue green of the skin and the red feathered gill portion stood out far too much for his liking.

Before he could pass for normal at a distance, now he knew for sure people would be able to tell. The mottled blue and green pigments hadn’t wrapped all the way around his neck, they dotted off near the front of throat, leaving the space under his jaw and chin the same familiar pale color. He glanced behind him in the mirror and noticed the same thing with the back of his neck, the color seemed to stay around the side, where his gills were and taper off the further from the slits they went. He wasn’t entirely sure how far it would spread though; he prayed his whole body wouldn’t become blueish green. It was bad enough he had gills to begin with; he didn’t want to add the green skin associated with super mutants to his list of problems.

“Maybe I should see a doctor…” Nate murmured to his reflection. But he wasn’t sure just who to go to. Curie was definitely an option. He trusted her, but she was excitable and as new to this world as he was. Even worse was the fact that she tended to get very excited about any new discoveries. She could easily spill his secret to the whole community on accident. He thought about paying off a traveling doctor, caps could seal a lot of lips, and if the doctor was part of a moving caravan chances were low that he’d ever meet them again. However, caravan doctors aren’t always the most knowledgeable, shit most doctors in this time paled in comparison to what he was used to.

Quality typically came with a price and publicity, neither of which Nate wanted to gamble with.

A sharp knock at the door jolted him out of his thoughts. “Hey, you die in there? I need to piss awful bad,” Hancock said from the other side of the door.

“Yes, I’m clearly dead, consumed by the toilet,” Nate said while toweling off the rest of his body. “Give me a second, I’m almost done.”

He saw the knob turn and Hancock laughed, “Well if you’re a ghost you won’t mind if I take a leak then right?” Panic briefly took over Nate and he rushed to shut the door. “What the hell Nate? You suddenly get shy?”

“N-No I’m just-“

“Come to think of it, you haven’t let me see you naked in a while…Something wrong?” His tone went from annoyed to concerned in an instant. “You can talk to me, you know that right?”

Nate leaned against the door and tried to control his breathing. “I know, I know. Its fine, I’m fine, just give me a moment.”

Hancock pressed his head to the door with a slightly audible thump. “You know I can call bullshit when I see it right? Cuz I’m going to call bullshit. You aren’t fine, Nate. Are you hurt? Is it from those gunners a week back? I know you took a lot of bullets.”

“No, Hancock really I’m-“

Hancock cut him off sharply. “Don’t lie to me. Damn it, Nate, you don’t have to tell me, just don’t lie to me.”

He was silent before he said, “Sorry.”

“What’s up with you? You’re distant…”

“Sorry,” he repeated.

Hancock sighed and stepped away from the door. “I know something’s wrong Love, just wish you’d let me know what. It’d save me a lot of worrying.”

Nate almost said sorry again, but he knew that wouldn’t help anything. “I… You’re right. There’s something that’s been bothering me but I… I need some time, ok? Will you give me that? Time?”

The ghoul nodded even though Nate couldn’t see it. If there was something that Hancock understood fully it was body issues. He’d struggled with them for a lot of years, hell he was still struggling now. So if Nate needed some time to work something out, he’d back off and give it to him. “You know you’re beautiful right? Perfect, and ain’t nothing gonna change that fact, not to me.”

“Thanks, I’ll be out in a second.” Nate stepped away from the door. He trusted Hancock to keep his word. Quickly he threw on his pants and shirt and started tying the bandages around his neck. He had been getting faster and faster as it became a daily routine. Moments later he stepped out of the bathroom and made eye contact with Hancock. “All yours,” he said.

Hancock moved past him but paused to give him a quick kiss. “We’ll get through this, whatever it is.”

Nate nodded, but deep down he didn’t know if he fully agreed.

---

Water had started to become a problem. For the first few weeks after his accident he’d managed to stay away, but then there were moments where he couldn’t run away. Like when a brahmin bolted into the water and panicked, or when the supports on the bridge needed to be looked at, or, as was the case right now, a water purifier was found broken. Sturges was out of the settlement; he had to check on the new generators in Jamaica Plain. That left him as the resident handy man on call.

It wasn’t the water that scared him. It wasn’t even the memories that were associated with almost drowning. It was that whenever he stepped into the water he felt a great urge to submerge himself and never come out. Nate couldn’t explain it, the almost euphoric feeling of breathing underwater. His body craved the near weightlessness of swimming and he tried to avoid it as much as possible.

He glanced around nervously and noted that no one was near. He stripped down to a pair of shorts and quickly unwrapped his neck. His feet hardly touched the water before he dove in. His gills flared out and he greedily basked in the feeling he could only describe as pure pleasure. Nate swam large circles around the water purifiers he had built. Momentarily he had forgotten that he had come to the shore to fix one of them. He was lost in the feeling of gliding through the water.

Eventually he did break the surface and trudge back to land to grab a toolbox. Still, nobody seemed to be around. After he dragged the box down with him he started to work on the broken parts. It wasn’t hard work, a set of screws had rusted shut and needed to be forcibly removed so he could get at a side panel and replace it. Every once in a while he remembered to kick back to the surface to mimic taking breaths, just in case someone did happen to notice he was in the water. He didn’t want a panicked settler to sound the alarm and have everyone try to save him.

With the new panel in place and fresh screws replacing the old ones he figured he should wade to shore, but he didn’t. He just sat on the bottom, unwilling to get out. He let his mind wander underwater. It was quiet and peaceful and the only company he had were a few passing fish. In all his time up above ground out of the vault he had yet to see anyone eat the fish. His coastal settlements never seemed to have any in their stores and even the few fishing poles he found lying around hadn’t been touched in years. In his day people were worried about how much mercury and other pollutants that fish absorbed. There were warnings telling children, the elderly, and pregnant women how much fish they could safely consume per week. This was all before the world was drenched in nuclear fallout. He shuddered to think about how much radiation they absorbed. The fish should have been growing legs and walking on land, not the other way around.

The subtle shift in light was what brought him out of his thoughts. The water had grown quite dark and he had to fumble around to find the toolbox. He surfaced to find it nearly dark. “Shit,” he muttered and swam to shore to towel off and put his clothes back on. There were one or two settlers walking around the garden but they didn’t seem to pay him any mind. Why should they?

After everything was well hidden he wandered back to the main street and to his house. People were lighting candles, lamps and turning on lights all over. Soon Sanctuary would be a tiny glowing beacon of hope and survival in the wastes. He was very proud. Preston stopped him to ask about his day and how the repairs were coming. The sun was completely down by the time he opened the door to his house and set his things down.

“Where were you?” Hancock asked from a chair. He had a book in his hands and his eyes were lifted from the pages to stare at his partner.

“The water purifier was broken, I had to fix it.”

The skin above one of Hancock’s eyes rose. If he had eyebrows they’d be arched. “Really? You left to do that in the morning. You telling me it took all day?”

“Yeah.” Nate shrugged. “It was a hard fix, it’s done though. Preston stopped me on the way back, you know how he likes to talk.”

“It’s real funny you mention that,” Hancock said. “Because I talked to him too and he said he couldn’t see anyone down at the purifiers.”

“Well that’s where I was,” Nate replied, irritation leaking into his voice. “You don’t believe me?”

“No, not really.”

“What?”

“I said I don’t buy what you’re selling me,” Hancock said smoothly. “You’re a smart guy Nate, I know it doesn’t take a whole day to do repairs on one purifier. I’ve seen you build whole turrets in an afternoon.” He looked him directly in the eyes. “I believe you were at the purifiers, I also believe you fixed them, because I know you, and you never let a settlement down. But I don’t believe it took you all damn day and I sure as hell know you were up to something else.”

Nate shifted from foot to foot, part of him was angry at Hancock for not believing him, the other was impressed that he knew he was lying. “Look, say what you want, but my hairs still wet. Clearly I just got back.”

“Or you stuck your head in a brahmin trough,” he argued back.

“I can’t believe you don’t believe me.”

“I can’t believe you thought you could lie to me.”

“I’m not lying!”

“Like hell you’re not! You can’t con me; did you forget where I came from? I told you my whole fucking origin story. You know who’s really good at seeing lies? Someone who lies to himself all damn day.”

Nate turned his back on Hancock and went to his room; he was done with this conversation. Running away wasn’t the most mature way to end an argument but he was impatient and just wanted to be back under the waves drifting away. His head hurt and he stumbled to the bed and collapsed into it. Hours later he was vaguely aware of someone throwing a blanket over him and climbing in next to him. The scent told him it was Hancock, only he smelled so unique.

“I know you’re sleeping Nate, but…” He heard Hancock speak quietly. “What’s wrong with you?” Nate felt a hand run through his hair. “Stop pushing me away Love… It’s hurting us both. Can’t you tell?” With that question hanging unanswered in the air Hancock slipped the rest of the way under the covers and gently wrapped an arm around him pulling him close.

Guilt flooded through Nate. He never meant to hurt anyone, but that’s what was happening wasn’t it? He buried his face into his pillow and tried to relax into Hancock’s embrace. This wasn’t what he wanted.

Later that night he woke up needing to pee. He broke free of his husband’s hold and stumbled into the bathroom. He was partially to the toilet when something caught his eye. He almost yelped at the sudden sight of green glow in the small bathroom. His first sleep muddled thoughts were that a glowing radroach had somehow crawled into their house while they were sleeping.

But after a few seconds he realized that simply wasn’t the case. The glow was coming from his own reflection in the mirror. “Oh no,” he murmured. The need to pee was suddenly forgotten. He shut the door and carefully undid the bandages exposing his gills again. Over the past few days the skin around his gills had gone from a mottled blue green color to a deep blue with green flecks and splotches. Now it appeared that those green flecks were glowing.

His whole neck was giving off the same slight glow he saw in glowing beasts and the glowing ones. He paced the small room and tried to figure out what to do. Eventually he ended up relieving himself and stared at his reflection in the darkness. He wasn’t sure what had triggered this new change. Was it the water? Did that have to do with it? Had he been glowing for days? He didn’t know. He bit down on his lip and picked up the wraps again and did a double layer, but the glow still seeped through the fabric. “Shit,” he whispered. He couldn’t risk going back to bed, not if he couldn’t hide the illumination. He opened the door to the bathroom and ran into the living room, then out the door and down the quiet, dark streets of Sanctuary.

Hancock had heard the front door close and he felt the cold side of the now half empty bed.

Nate started spending his nights at the Red Rocket. It had a bed, a roof, limited security, but most importantly, no one else stayed there. Originally he had used it as a trading outpost but then he finished the large trading center and inn at Sanctuary and he spread the news to the traveling caravans. They started to bypass the Red Rocket and head straight into town. It added a bit of spice to their otherwise boring little settlement. It also left the Red Rocket a virtual ghost town.

The glow around his neck seemed to be in cycle with the sun. When it was bright outside his gills remained normal, but when it got dark they lit up. He still hadn’t managed to find a way to block the glow out completely and left his pip boy light on whenever he was stopped by someone on his way out of town. The green glow of the computer screen helped cover up any light escaping from the wraps.

He was getting frustrated and depressed as the days went on. Nate hated sneaking off like some monster, and he never got a decent night sleep alone. For the more recent trips he started bringing Dogmeat. Having him by his side was better than nothing, and the dog couldn’t ruin his secret.

He’d sit by the fire with Dogmeat resting his head on his lap. His hands would absentmindedly run through his thick fur while his mind ran itself into exhaustion. The dog would whine and bark nervously when he caught sight of Nate’s eyes go blank. He’d snap the man back into reality and gently tug his sleeve. First he always tried to pull him towards Sanctuary, even the dog knew that he shouldn’t be alone, but Nate always resisted and instead the dog pulled him towards the bed in the back room. Dogmeat would jump up on the dirty mattress and wait patiently for Nate to join him.

The dog was warm, but it wasn’t the same as having Hancock next to him.

This new routine became normalized and soon none seemed to question where Nate was going when they saw him cross the bridge every evening. Nobody wanted to say it, but they all assumed that he and Hancock had had a falling out. But if that was the case, why hadn’t the ghoul just gone back to Goodneighbor?  Perhaps this was just a rough patch and they were trying to work through it? In the end, it didn’t matter because Nate still kept them safe, and their settlement running. His personal life wasn’t any of their concern.

Nick had a habit of watching his friends, he didn’t do it because he disrespected privacy, he did it because he couldn’t stop himself. Partially he blamed this behavior on his detective side, but that was childish, there was no one to blame but himself and his overwhelming desire to make sure his friends were safe.

He didn’t sleep, he couldn’t sleep, he wasn’t programed for that. So he was awake and observant of the settlement as a whole, most nights. Sometimes he read, mostly he watched the window or walked the streets. Nick saw Nate run from the house that first night. He also saw Hancock stumble to the door and wait. He was the one who walked down the stairs and forced the ghoul to back to sleep. He was the one who was there without answers to the questions his friend asked.

It was baffling. Most of the time Nate seemed just fine, like nothing was wrong. He would smile, and help out anyone who needed it. He’d lead missions to clear out raider camps and expeditions to collect more resources. He’d take MacCready or Preston out on extermination missions and come back with a new stash of pillows or food. Nick would see him greet Hancock with an embrace and kiss that just left the other confused. Neither of them could figure out why he was being selectively distant. When pressed about it he wouldn’t answer. He dodged questions like Cait dodged punches and even Nick was getting annoyed at his mood swings.

Eventually Nate was going to hit a breaking point, and Nick wasn’t sure if he wanted to be there when it happened.

---

“We need to talk.” Hancock’s words were sharp and sudden when Nate entered the door to his room. It was midday and he wasn’t expecting anyone to be in there.

“Yeah, sure, is everything ok?”

“Is everything… No! No everything is not ok.” Hancock seemed more than surprised that Nate had even asked. He swallowed, finding his mouth gone dry. “Listen, I think it’s time you took these back.” Hancock walked over and placed something in Nate’s hands.

When Nate opened them he questioned, “My dog tags? Hancock…I said you could keep holding on to them.”

“Yeah, well I said I think it’s time you took them back, and everything else on that chain.” He watched confusion spread across Nate’s face when saw the accompanying ring. “And I think it’s time I left.”

Nate squeezed the metal in his hand and looked up. “What? Why? Hancock I don’t…I don’t understand.”

He laughed gruffly and reached for his bag, already packed with his possessions. When he turned around he knew he couldn’t hide the hurt in his features. “We had a good run, honestly I’m happy we lasted this long…but it’s clear I’m doing something wrong. It’s because I’m a ghoul isn’t it?” When he got no answer he pressed on. “You tried, I know you did, it’s ok. But I can take a hint.”

“Hancock no, that’s not it-“

“Isn’t it? It’s got to be me, because I sure as hell don’t know what else it could be!” His voice rose slightly and he hated it. He wanted to stay calm during this; he didn’t want to get mad. “You avoid me, we don’t sleep together, we haven’t been intimate in weeks, and you hardly meet my eyes anymore. Not to mention the lies, how you leave me here in Sanctuary and run off with anyone one else, shit you even sneak out of town every goddamn night. I don’t know what you’re doing, but it’s pretty clear you don’t want me in the picture.” He pressed past Nate but was stopped when Nate grabbed his arm. “Let go Nate, I don’t want to break your arm.” When Nate didn’t he let out a low growl, one he knew freaked Nate out the most. “Listen, I’m only here because we had something. In case you forgot, I have a town that I could be running.”

“Please don’t go,” Nate said quietly. “Please.”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because you’re wrong,” he said.

When Hancock turned to look at Nate he knew he wouldn’t be leaving through that door. His partner’s face was a picture of pain and loss. “Shit,” he sighed and sat down on the bed. “Explain, now.”

Nate stumbled over to the bed and crawled over to where Hancock was. He pressed his head into his back and started talking. “It’s not you, god it’s not you. It’s never been you. It’s me and I’m sorry. I’ve never, ever, once thought ill of you. I’ve never thought any different of you, ghoul or human it doesn’t matter. You’re not the problem, I am.”

“Well, it still doesn’t change the fact that we have a problem.”

Nate gripped Hancock harder. “We’re not going to have a problem because…” He took a deep breath. “Because I’m going to come clean, ok?”

“Come clean? So you have been fucking someone else?” Hancock’s heart dropped slightly. He knew they had their disagreements but he never wanted to believe something like this would happen.

“No! No, that’s not what I’ve been doing. Shit, how could you think that?”

“You haven’t really given me many options. Either you finally got some sense knocked into you and you’re repulsed by dating a ghoul, or you’ve been running off to someone else’s bed.”

Nate took a deep breath before he continued. He removed his face from Hancock’s skin and started to shakily remove the bandages around his neck. “Well that’s not what has been happening. I’ve got…something to show you. Do you remember the accident, by the river?” Hancock nodded but he still hadn’t turned around. “I lied when I said I was just washed to shore downstream. I…I drowned.”

Hancock let out a short laugh. “Is that so? So what has this been? I didn’t exactly go hard on the chems, this isn’t some drug induced hallucination. Has the whole town been taking pity on me for talking to a husband that wasn’t there? Come on Nate, you expect me to believe you drowned?”

“Y-Yes.” Nate replied. “Because something happened when I passed out that I can’t explain.” His fingers faltered on the wraps as he said, “I mutated under the waves…”

“You what?” Hancock finally turned around to look at Nate, and what he saw was more than a surprise. “Wha…”

“I drowned and when I woke up I had these…the water was full of rads and I don’t know what happened but now I have gills and they never went away and I tried to hide them but obviously that didn’t work and I just panicked and pushed people away because I’m a freak and I don’t deserve you or Nick or Preston I should have just let you walk out that door but I didn’t because I wanted you to know that it wasn’t you it’s me and-“

Hancock cut off his rambling sentence with a gentle touch to his cheek. “Nate, Love, shut up for a second.” Nate buried his face in his hands and started to sob quietly. Hancock watched as the blue green structures on Nate’s neck moved in and out with his crying. He wasn’t faking this and suddenly a lot of things started making a whole lot of sense. “So this is why you’ve kept your neck covered?”

Nate nodded.

“I’m sorry,” Hancock said.

Nate glanced up at him, his eyes red from the tears. “No, I’m the one who should be sorry! I made you think I didn’t love you anymore! I made you think you were to blame, but it’s been me the whole time.”

Hancock reached out and gripped Nate’s hand firmly. “I’m…I’m hurt that you thought you couldn’t trust me with this, that you wouldn’t tell me. But I understand, ok? Being a fellow walking rad freak I know where you were coming from.” He leaned in and pressed his forehead to Nates. With a chuckle he said, “But honestly you should know you got nothing to fear from me. I’m yours Love.”

“You almost weren’t,” Nate mumbled.

“Yeah well, that’s a bit of both of faults ain’t it?” He waited a few breaths before continuing. “I was ready to believe you didn’t love me, shit I even thought you were cheating on me. I should have known you weren’t the type to do that. Instead of blowing up at you I should have tried to be calmer.”

“And I shouldn’t have hid this for as long as I did,” Nate said.

“Why did you?”

“I was scared,” Nate replied. “Those raiders I ran into after crawling out of the river, they wanted to capture me and display me like a sideshow attraction. I was afraid that others would think the same. I’ve seen how they treat ghouls and super mutants. Anything remotely non-human gets the boot in a lot of places. Having gills growing from my neck sure doesn’t sound very human.”

And Hancock got that. He understood. Nate had spent most of his life in a world that was much kinder, and free of this shit. During his time here he’s had to adjust and learn everything from scratch. Of course what he’d absorbed would tell him to hide if he was different. Telling him about the ghouls in Diamond City, and being his traveling companion didn’t help. Nate had heard every little comment and insult directed at him for being a ghoul. Of course he’d be scared of getting the same treatment. “I feel ya brother, you don’t have to explain to me.”

“I’m sorry.” Nate said again. “I should have told you sooner, I trust you, I love you…but I didn’t.”

“You were scared, plain and simple. We all do dumb shit when we’re scared. What matters is that you told me, and we can move forward from here.”

“So you’re not going to leave?”

Hancock shook his head. “No, of course not. I shouldn’t have suggested it in the first place.”

“You thought I didn’t love you, you had reason enough.” Nate put his head back in his hands. “I’m so sorry I did that to you. I pushed you away…”

“Hey, stop it. I accept your apology ok?” He pulled Nate’s hands away. “What’s done is done. Forget about it.” When he saw Nate smile he asked, “Why did you stop sleeping near me? If it’s not because I’m a ghoul then what?”

Nate fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. “Uh, see the um…green flecks in the blue?” Hancock nodded. “Those uh, those glow in the dark. It’s kinda bright, you can see it through the wraps. I didn’t want you do see that, so I stopped sleeping near anyone.”

“Can I touch em?”

Nate said, “Yeah, just the tops, don’t touch the red fleshy bits.”

Ever so gently Hancock reached out and ran a hand down Nate’s neck. His partner’s smooth skin was rougher under his touch. It didn’t feel like ghoul skin, he didn’t know what to make of it. He lifted his hand away and placed it on Nate’s jaw. “You’re still beautiful,” Hancock said.   

“I knew you’d say that,” Nate said, holding back tears. This time they were from relief and not shame. “Sap.”

“So, can you breathe underwater? Is that how you lived?”

Nate nodded. “It’s really weird; it’s not something I can explain. It just happens. I dive underwater and my lungs just know not to breathe.” He grabbed hold of both of Hancock’s hands so that he wouldn’t clutch his own face in embarrassment. “It’s addicting,” he admitted. “Being underwater. I can’t help myself, when I’m down there I just want to stay forever and never come back up. I don’t know why and I don’t know how to make it stop.”

“Well that explains the long absences now doesn’t it?” He made sure to squeeze Nate’s hands and let him know he wasn’t going to run away. “This settlement is surrounded by water, the temptation must be something awful.”

“Yeah…” He trailed off. “You don’t think there’s something wrong with me? Not even a little?”

“If you’re asking if I think you’re a freak, no, I don’t. Radiation does a number on a person, just be glad you came out of it with fancy gills and didn’t end up like me, or worse.”

“If I came out a ghoul at least we’d know what was wrong.”

“There ain’t anything wrong with you,” Hancock said. “Now then, do you want to spend a few weeks in Goodneighbor?”

“What? Why?”

“Well, my bags are already packed and there’s no open water in my town. It might help you sort yourself out.”

Nate thought about it for a few moments. “It has been a while since I got to talk with Daisy.”

“I’m sure she’d be more than willing to listen to you ramble, provided you trade a few things with her first.” Hancock gently touched Nate’s gills again. “I know my office isn’t the most private of places, and the couch is a downgrade from our bed here, but we can shut the doors no one will bother us. You’d be safe to you know… be yourself.”

“Yeah thanks… I uh, I might have told you but…”

“You don’t want the others to know?” Hancock guessed.

“Not right now,” Nate said. “Let’s just take this one step at a time.”

There was a sharp knock on the doorframe and both their eyes flew to the doorway. “Hey, you two alright? I know things have been rough and I heard shouting…”

Without thinking Hancock pounced on Nate, knocking him onto the bed and threw his arms around his neck to hide his gills. “Nick don’t you think some privacy would be nice?”

Nate just laughed softly and pressed a quick kiss to Hancock’s jaw. “I don’t think Nick counts as an “other”.”

“So you want to tell him?”

“Tell me what?”

Hancock sat up with Nate, his arms still around his neck protectively in case he changed his mind. Nate spoke before separating himself from his husband. “During that accident I had, down by the river, something happened to me that I never told you.” It was hard reading Nick’s expression but he continued on. “I only just told Hancock, and he’s the only other person who knows, but I encountered a lot of rads in the water…and they did something to me.”

When Hancock moved aside Nick could see Nate fully. “Well…there’s something you don’t see every day.”

Hancock put an arm around Nate’s shoulder and pulled him close. “Our friend here has gills, ain’t that something?”

“It certainly is kid.” Nick approached the pair on the bed and sat down next to them. “So that’s why you’ve been covering your neck constantly. You were hiding those. Certainly explains how you survived your little river ride.”

“I should have told you both sooner, shit I should have said something that night, by the fire. But I was afraid.”

“Afraid?” Nick said. “Of us?” He laughed softly, a smile tugging at his lips. “Kid you travel with a prototype synth and a ghoul; you couldn’t find two people more understanding than us.”

“I know, I know, Hancock said something similar, but fear is fear, you can’t reason with it.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Hancock said.

Nick asked, “So what now? Are you going to keep hiding?”

“Probably. I’m not sure I’m ready to face everyone. It’s one thing to be a ghoul, or a synth, people know what those are…but me? I’m something new. The people of the Commonwealth don’t exactly react fondly to new.”

“Well whatever you decide, you have my support,” Nick said.

“Thanks. Hancock was talking about heading to Goodneighbor for bit; I was going to tag along with him. You’re welcome to stay here in Sanctuary while we’re out, but you don’t have to. I know you must be itching to get back to your home in Diamond City.”

“Home is where your friends are,” Nick said. “But I do need to check on Ellie and the agency, make sure nothing major has come up.”

Exhaustion suddenly flooded through Nate and he slumped against Hancock. “After finally coming out and saying all this, I’m exhausted. We’ll leave for Goodneighbor in the morning. Right now I just want to spend some time with Hancock, preferably not doing anything.”

“So you two are good?” Nick asked.

“Yeah,” Nate smiled, “we’re good.” He was so relieved to say that out loud. It wasn’t a lie and it wasn’t forced. They were good and they were going to stay good. “This whole secret keeping idiocy of mine almost ruined the best thing that’s happened to me. But we’re going to fix it.” He quickly added in correction, “I’m going to fix it.” He looked at Hancock who still had his arm around him and a dopy grin on his face. Nate knew that the trust between would have to be earned back, he had lied multiple times, straight to his face, and that’s not something you forget, even if there was an excuse.

Hancock chuckled and said, “It ain’t like I’m all that hard to please.” But he knew, like Nate, that there was a breach of trust between them. Nothing they couldn’t come back from, but it was something they had to work on. They’d have to promise to be more open from here on out, even if it’s something scary. But those were conversations and promises to be made in private.

“Alright, I’ll leave you two be. Come find me when you want to head out. I’ll travel with you till Diamond City, then we’ll branch off. I expect I’ll have about a week’s worth of business to take care of, that ok with you?”

“Perfect,” Nate said. “I think a week away from Sanctuary will be good for me.”

“Hey,” Hancock added, “if he gets bored we can toss him into Swan’s Pond and see if they get along.”

Nate flared his gills. “You will absolutely not throw me in there with that thing.” After a moment of silence he said, “We really should send an extermination team to get rid of it. We know it’s there and it hasn’t moved…”

“That’s a battle plan for another day Trouble, lets focus on the now.”

“Hancock’s right. You’ve got a lot to deal with as it stands, let’s not add more to your plate.” Nick stood up and headed to the door. “I’ll be upstairs if you need anything.”

“Thanks Nick, for understanding.”

“You accepted me without hesitation, what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t return the gesture?”

Once they were alone, Nate fell back on the bed. “Well, that went over well,” he said to the ceiling. “I didn’t lose my husband or my best friend. I’m counting that as a win.”

Hancock flopped down next to him. “Did you really think we would leave you?”

“Yes and no. Mostly no but I couldn’t chance the yes. Do you have any idea how many times I would stare at my reflection and just sigh?”

“Probably a lot, if you were like me.”

“I’m still caught off guard sometimes and I’ve been like this for weeks.”

Hancock scooted closer. “Hey, even I forget sometimes that I’m a ghoul, and I’ve been one for years now. You’d think I’d remember…”

“You’re really, truly ok with this?”

“Of course, you know I am. Just don’t…just don’t go pulling this kind of stunt again. If something happens to you, tell me. If something is bothering you, tell me. No more hiding.”

“No more hiding,” Nate promised, and it was a promise he was going to keep. “Thanks for being awesome.”

Nate didn’t remember if they talked about anything else after that. They might have, but he would have been a tired incoherent mess. He woke up hours later to a grumbling stomach. Originally he only wanted to take a nap, but having a warm body next to him caused him to sleep far longer than he expected. He sat up and rubbed his eyes slowly. Hancock was already awake next to him, his eyes focused on a book. “Sleeping Beauty awakes,” he joked.

“Ugh, what time is it?”

“I dunno, not dark yet though. Feel like doing your normal rounds?”

Nate swung his legs off of the bed to stand and stretch. “Yeah, I’m for that. I should also let Preston know I’ll be leaving for a few weeks.”

Hancock could already tell that Nate was worried about Sanctuary for so long. His partner was already running a nervous hand through his hair and his eyes were getting lost in thought. He got up and wrapped Nate in his arms. “Sanctuary will be fine,” he murmured softly. “They’ve done just fine without you before.”

“I know…” He turned around and grabbed the long cloth wrap from the bed. “Give me a second to get ready.”

Hancock didn’t leave the room while Nate covered his gills. He wanted to watch. Something bothered him while he watched Nate cover his gills. “You shouldn’t have to do that Love.”

“It doesn’t hurt, if that’s what you’re worried about,” he replied while he secured the bandages in place. “It’s a lot safer this way,” Nate said, and the way he said it, so final, just made Hancock even more uncomfortable.

Hancock resumed his embrace. “It’s just…you’re you, and you’re perfect as you.”

“You hide your features sometimes when we go into Diamond City,” he pointed out.

“Well,” Hancock huffed, “that’s different. I do that to avoid unnecessary bullshit at the door.”

“It’s not different and you know it.” Nate tugged his arm and dragged him out of the house and into the cooling evening air. “Just let me be comfortable with me first, then we can push this further. Eventually I’ll slip up, or they’ll grow too big to hide, but right now…just let me deal with this.”

Preston wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of Nate taking a vacation in Goodneighbor. It wasn’t a secrete how most of the settlers and his own friends felt about that town. It also wasn’t a secret that the General of the Minutemen was in a committed relationship with the mayor of Goodneighbor.  So even though it bothered them they had no choice but to let him go. It didn’t stop the few offhanded rude comments said in passing. Most of them weren’t even aware Nate or Hancock were around when they said such things. They both tried not to let it get to them, but after hearing it so often it did.

“Goodneighbor ain’t that bad,” Hancock grumbled as they made their way towards the water purifiers and the rest of the farming plots. “Sure, it’s a little rough around the edges, but it’s better than most places.”

Nate agreed. “I’ve never felt threatened there, but then again I’m capable of handling myself. Besides, Goodneighbor has some of the kindest people I’ve ever met, Daisy, Kent, the folks at the Memory Den, shit even Cleo has more charm than half the population of Diamond City.” He laughed, “It’s no Sanctuary Hills, but it feels like a home. You gotta have your head screwed on tight but…but you’re doing a good thing John. Making a home for those who wouldn’t have one…the ones who aren’t allowed in Diamond City and the people who just couldn’t cut it as a farmer out here. They have a place to go where they can get drunk or high and not have to worry about waking up dead.”

“I just… I guess I want it to be even more than that. I’ve been working really hard at making it something I can be even prouder of.”

“You’ll get there. It’s a fine safe haven. Just…lay off the stabbings at the front door.”

“Hey that was a one time show, I had someone to impress.” Hancock grinned and glanced over at Nate.

“I feel honored.” Nate led Hancock down to the water’s edge. “I think the purifiers will hold while I’m out. Sturges comes back later this week.”

Hancock watched him stare out over the water. “Hey, what are you thinking about?”

“Nothing,” he said and was instantly elbowed. “Alright, I want to go for a swim, but I’m not sure it’s an appropriate time.”

Hancock looked around and didn’t see anyone. “Well shit, if you want to you should. Come on, you can show me how those things on your neck work.”

“No, no, I’ll be doing no such thing.” He said and turned his back on the water. “Come on, we should start dinner, I’m starving.”

“But if you want to-“ Hancock tried to argue.

“No,” he said again. “I already told you that sometimes my mind drifts too far when I’m in the water. I’d like to avoid that.”

“You won’t drift if I’m with you. I’ll make sure of it.”

Nate could tell he was trying to be supportive and didn’t want to shut him down completely. “Thanks, not now, but soon. Don’t worry we have lots of days left together.”

---

That night Nate woke up and tried to catch his breath. He had one of his reoccurring dreams, the one where he watched his wife get shot through frosted glass. But when he pried the door open it wasn’t her lifeless body but Hancock’s.

“Hey, you ok?” Hancock’s gruff voice asked from his side.

“Yeah, bad dream,” he answered. When he turned to look at him he could see his face clearly, bathed in a soft green glow. He clasped a hand over his neck and tried to block out the light. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

“I’ve been up for a while, don’t worry about it.”

He hastily reached for the wrappings on the bedside table. “Sorry,” he apologized again. “I know your eyes are light sensitive and it must be hell trying to sleep next to me.”

Hancock’s hand rested gently on Nate’s arm. “Don’t bother, that’s not what was keeping me up.”

“Then what?”

“I just…I’m glad to have you back with me, that’s all. I’m hoping it’s not too creepy that I was watching you sleep.” Nate shook his head and smiled. Hancock ran a hand down Nate’s neck. “You’re beautiful,” he said softly.

“And you’re cheesy as hell.” Nate said and slid back down under the covers again.

Hancock grinned and propped his head up with one hand while watching Nate. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t mesmerized by the small green glowing flecks that dotted Nate’s skin. He wondered if they’d spread all over his body, like glowing freckles. “Hey,” he said quietly. Nate grunted a reply. “I know I call you Sunshine…but I think Starshine would appropriate too.”

“My god, go to bed,” he said threw a pillow at the ghoul’s face.

“Good night,” he said and pulled Nate close.

“Night,” Nate replied. 

Ok, this is the end of this little story. However I would not be opposed to writing more about this particular Sole Survivor, since I've gotten quite fond of him. This has been up on my AO3 for a day or so and gotten pretty good reception so I figured I'd toss it up on my DA as well, in case any of my watchers play Fallout 4.
The idea came about because I thought it would be nifty if the perks you get in game actually changed your body. There's a perk called aquaboy that I found amusing because it lets you breathe underwater and you don't take radiation damage in water. So as I was playing I decided that Nate now had gills, because why the fuck not?
I'd like to know what you thought, especially since this is yet another fandom I'm not quite used to.
Not sure how many other stories I'll write for this fandom, since I have a huge backlog of projects that need finishing.

Previous: What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Mutate 1/2
AO3: archiveofourown.org/works/6597…

PS: God I love Hancock and Nick, they are my faves. Someday I'll write something else that shows them off better, and maybe the other companions too, they're all great. I hide it well on my DA but I've fallen so hard for like everyone in Fallout 4. Help me.
© 2016 - 2024 Tien13
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CadeWho's avatar
This is a great story! You write very well.