Captchalogued Memories Part 2

Once again Karkat was waiting outside. He wasn't used to waiting anymore. Usually John answered the door immediately and tackled him. The derp was nowhere to be found. He knocked again, this time a little harder. "Hey, guys are you in there?" The troll had a hard time believing that Dave took John anywhere, given how paranoid he was about him. "John! Dave! Anyone?!"

Suddenly the burst open like normal and a very overly excited John greeted him. "Hi Karkat!"

The troll looked him over, "John?"

"Heh heh, isn't this neat? Dave was able to age me up a bit!" He pulled his friend inside. "It's so cool! I was really scared at first, but then he did it anyways, and it all worked out, and now I'll be able to match you in age soon! And isn't this just the coolest fucking thing?" He giggled and bounced from foot to foot.

Karkat smirked and ruffled his hair, "That's great John." The boy was now almost as tall as he was, it wouldn't be long before he would be taller. "How'd he do it?"

"I edited the coding that makes him up. It was difficult as hell, but worked." Dave said leaning on the doorway to the basement.

John dragged Karkat into his room again. "I'm so excited, this is pretty cool. I was worried I'd be thirteen forever. Although, I was super worried when Dave said he had to change my coding, I mean, what if something had gone wrong?"

The troll hugged him and sat down, "Well, nothing did happen, so just be thankful for that." He looked away and added, "Sometimes, it's, difficult to remember you're data."

John moved next to him and leaned on the troll. "I know," he said softly. "I forget a lot too. But there's always something small that reminds me." That's when he remembered what he was talking with Dave about. "Oh gosh! Karkat!" He sat up and turned eagerly to his friend. "I wanted to tell you something."

"Go on," he raised an eyebrow.

"I've been dreaming lately."

"Dreaming?"

"Yeah, really vivid dreams. Dave says I can't dream, but he doesn't know anything." He crossed his arms pouting and looked at Karkat again. "Anyways, I've had dreams about the game. I think they might be memories, actually." The troll's ears perked up, "I've been getting images of the others, and bits and pieces of conversations." John smiled wide, "I think I'm becoming more like the John you knew!"

Karkat embraced his friend again, "That's great news! John, I'm happy for you!"

"I hope I get my childhood ones back soon too. There have been things that have been bugging me for weeks." He pulled away from Karkat, "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Sure what is it?" He noted the shift in tone in John's voice. It became serious and solemn.

"How did I die?"

Karkat wasn't expecting that question, he shifted uncomfortably, his eyes looking anywhere but at John. "It doesn't matter, you're here now."

"I need to know." John placed a hand on Karkat's shoulder squeezing gently. "Please, tell me what happened."

A long breath escaped the troll as he debated answering. "A-As you can probably guess, it was Lord English, during the final battle. You were godtier, so your death shouldn't have been permanent. Only, it was considered heroic."

"What happened?" He pressed the troll for more info.

"I'm so sorry," Karkat turned to face John, red tears streaming down his face, "it was all my fault."

John wrapped his hands around Karkat's waist and pressed his head against the trolls back, "Shhh, it's ok, Karkat." He asked softly, "can you tell me what happened? You don't have to if it's too much."

"You saved me…I messed up. I fucked up, and you paid for it. I'm so sorry." Karkat cursed himself and put his head in his hands. "If I hadn't have tripped, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't have had to see your body, mangled and broken. No one would have."

Something seemed to shock John, the feeling moving to the very core of what he was. Sudden images began to flash before his eyes. He saw Lord English, the fight, his friends. He was coated in blood, some his, some other colors of the rainbow. Arms gripped Karkat tighter as the memories exploded in his brain. Voices joined the images, his friends shouting in battle, the sound of Karkat screaming when he fell. He heard the last thing Karkat ever said to him, "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I love you John, and it's because of me you're dying. I love you…" Then everything went blank. The last bit he caught was the combined voices of Karkat and Dave screaming his name, the last vision was tears.

"John! John, are you ok?" Karkat could feel the boy behind him start to tremble and cry. His tears rolled down his cheek and disappeared into pixels. "John, say something." He tried to move so he could see him, but the boy wouldn't let go. "John?"

He couldn't stop himself from shaking, or crying. Karkat's voice barley registered to his brain. He pressed his face deeper into Karkat's back, clinging to him until the memories ceased and the voices were silent. "J-Just now. Just now I remembered. Karkat, I remembered. Everything about my death."

He released his death grip on Karkat so the troll could face him. "I remember." Karkat put a hand on John's cheek. "Y-You told me you loved me, I remember. You confessed twice." Karkat nodded. "Also…" his voice caught, "It wasn't your fault Karkat!" He pulled the troll close and repeated, "It wasn't your fault!" Karkat was now shaking too, "It wasn't, don't blame yourself, because I don't. I never did."

"After we beat him, Lord E, when that was done, there was a lot of crying. Especially Dave and I. Did you know-"

"Yeah. Well, I didn't before, but I know now."

"He blamed me. I bet he still does too." Karkat rested his forehead on John's. "We all missed you, even the trolls that didn't know you very well. We actually let the people of Prospit bury you. It was some game tradition; I was ready to stay behind, to watch over your grave. I would have too, but the others, they convinced me to come with."

"I'm glad you didn't stay there. It would have been very lonely."

"I'm glad I didn't stay too." Karkat fell to the side, bringing John with him. "So, you said you remembered everything all once?" The troll wiped the few remaining tears from his face.

"Yeah, it was immediately after you explained."

Karkat said thoughtfully, "Maybe certain things can trigger your memories?"

"That's what I was thinking." He laughed, "This has been quite a day. And it's only been an hour." Karkat's laugh joined his. "Let's try to limit the emotional breakdowns, ok?"

"I can agree to that." Karkat stared at John, the neon in his eyes not even registering as different anymore, "It's just like you're back."

"I know. It's crazy." John closed his eyes and thought about everything that has happened to him, and to his friends. "It's like our lives were never meant to be anything near normal." He laughed a bit, "I've been ecto slime, a paradox sibling, a regular kid just growing up, and I've been a god. Karkat, I've been a god, that is so weird, and now…I'm just a line of code. If someone were to write a book on my life I wonder how many people would believe it?"

"I don't know. I'm not even sure I'd believe it if you weren't right in front of me. It's a lot to try to take in."

John rolled over causing Karkat to immediately wrap his arms around him. The trolls head rested on top of John's. "Karkat?"

"Yeah?"

"You said you loved me." John asked softly, "Do you still love me?"

"Yeah." There was no hesitation in his voice.

John asked again, "I mean, do you love him, or me?"

Karkat took a few breaths. "Look, John,"

"No, it's ok, I understand," A few shallow laughs later he continued, "I'm not him, nor will I ever be. You loved that John, I understand."

"You're right." He said simply, "I do love that John." He could feel John's hands gripping his shirt tight, "But, I also think I love you." John's breath caught. He didn't respond for a few minutes. Karkat pet his hair softly. "John?" Karkat was a bit hesitant to look at the boy's face. "I-I know you're not a homosexual, you said so yourself, twice actually. But you did ask, I don't want to lie to you."

"Karkat…you're actually be serious right now, aren't you?" He nodded. "But, I'm not real…"

"I can touch you, feel you breath, and see you. What more do I need?"

John curled into Karkat, "I wasn't expecting that answer." He paused, clinging to the troll, "I need to think about it, my feelings. It's so confusing." He felt Karkat rub his back gently. "I want to thank you though, for considering me as something worth your affection."

"Of course you're worth it, don't think like that."

"Sorry, I'm still trying to sort out what makes me, me."

Karkat pulled John's eyes to meet his. "Have you ever considered the idea that you are you? That there is no difference?"

John shook his head, "No, impossible, there has to be a difference."

"You'll figure it out, I know you will."

"Thank you, Karkat."

They stayed like that for a while before Karkat broke the silence. "This is just a heads up, but I won't be able to see you for a while. Things are getting crazy at school. It might be a few weeks. I'm sorry."

"That's ok, really. You come visit so much."

"I just didn't want you to think I left you, like before."

John nodded. "I know now you wouldn't do that. But thanks for telling me."

---

Your name is John Egbert, sorta. You're still so unsure about that. You have most of his memories, and you know all his emotions. But you are growing as an individual; everything becomes a question in your head. "Would John do that? Would John say this? Does John like this?" Sometimes the answers are obvious, other times not so much.

You can remember almost everything, unfortunately you can also replay those parts, you know how John felt, but looking back, you catch things the John before you failed to notice. He missed many hidden emotions, especially those of your close friends. Like Dave. Like Karkat. Now you were stuck trying to make sense of it all.

Everything you remember just swirled around in your head for days, and without Karkat to talk to your thoughts took over. You couldn't decide where "John" ended and you began. You suddenly realize how Karkat must have felt arguing with his past and future selves. This shit was getting old, and fast. Being true to your old emotions was hard; the events you remembered were seen differently. It was like watching a movie, those feelings, you re-thought. Maybe you were wrong about so much?

It also didn't help that the only two people who knew of your existence both said they loved you. Talk about skewing your emotions. Of course you feel more inclined to be in a relationship with one of the only people who cared for you, because they were only ones who could actually see you. Past you was a fool, past you couldn't see that your two best bros wanted to care for you, forever. Both of them opened up to you, one straightforward the other subtly. What were you supposed to do? What would John Egbert do?

You just didn't have the answer.

Your name is John Egbert, or Jay, as Dave has been calling you. He performed another aging on you, now you look around eighteen. You're pretty much done with puberty, thankfully skipping all the awkward parts. Dave has been acting weird. He avoids you a lot, and doesn't call you John anymore. You're worried about your friend, and you tell him this daily. Mostly he responds by tossing you into your card.

Your dreams are more vivid now, the memories more precise. Everything is coming back to you, bit by tiny bit. There are nights you shoot straight out of bed in a cold sweat. You'd relive a battle, or a close call. It's amazing what a month can do.

Eventually, Dave breaks down.

You're there when it happens, of course, where else would you go? He walks in from shopping and just drops by the front door. Tears flow from underneath the shades he has on. The groceries crash to the ground, various fruits roll away. "Dave? Dave!" You run to his side and kneel down. "Holy shit, are you ok dude? Are you injured?"

He tries to bat you away, but there's no way in hell you're moving. "Jay leave. Just leave."

"How about no?" Gently you urge him up and walk him to the couch, stepping over canned food and microwave dinners. Suddenly Dave seems very fragile. Like one touch will shatter him and leave him in a million pieces. "Dave what's wrong?"

"Everything, everything is wrong." Dave said quietly. "Everything is fucked up and nothing is right anymore." You rub his back, like Karkat has done for you so many times. He attempts to wipe the tears away, but more form and roll down his face. "I'm sorry Jay; I shouldn't be acting like this."

"Dave, listen to me," You force him to look at you, "Everyone has their moments of weakness, everyone needs to cry."

"I'm too strong to cry."

"No one is too strong to cry." Carefully you lift his shades from his face, revealing his scarlet eyes now overflowing with tears. He presses his face into your shoulder and cries. You're not sure why your best bro is soaking your shirt with his tears; he has to say something that would even give you a hint. But you know he needs you.

"Jay?" He says softly.

"Yeah, Dave?" You've been stroking his hair for a while; you're not entirely sure how much time has passed.

"I need to apologize." You nod and let him continue. "I haven't been fair to you. You deserve better than this, better than me."

"No, Dave, you've been great."

He laughed harshly, "No I haven't. I've treated you like a thing and not a person."

"I am a thing."

He sobbed again. "No, no you're not!" He gripped your shirt and hid his face. "I've seen you with him. With Vantas. The two of you talk for hours. He doesn't see the difference between you and John Egbert. He treats you like he did the other John." He paused, remembering to breathe, "and you, you respond to what he says, you have emotions. I thought you were a projection, I thought you were just data. You're not. You're more than that."

"I…Dave…" You're at a loss for words. "Thank you."

"When you're with Vantas you look exactly like you did before you died. But, when you're with me, you just look sad."

"I, shit. Dave, I thought you didn't like me around. I was certain you were disgusted by my presence. I just tried not to bother you."  You allow him to pull away and lean against the couch. "I'm sorry too."

"See, you don't have to be though, it's because of all the stuff I said…"

You cut in, "but none of it was false. I am nothing but data, I don't need food or water, Dave, you weren't lying. You just saw me differently was all. You did make me, you know more about what I actually am then anyone. Karkat, he sees, well he sees the John he knew. And well, yeah, I like that. A lot of me likes that. But I'm not John, not all the way. I have his emotions, as well as my own. So you weren't doing wrong."

"Jo-Jay, all that isn't true though. I saw you as something merely imitating emotion, not feeling it. But, you feel it don't you?" You nod. "And then there were all those nights where I forced you to listen to me talk. Where I confessed over and over again, yet I told you to ignore it all. You didn't did you?" You shake your head. "It hurt, it must have hurt. Being told over and over again that someone loves you, but that they don't love you. But you are John. You are him."

You smile, "Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I may act a bit different, because none of us have any idea how John would have behaved, but I like to think of myself as an alternate version of him. I'm John, but I'm also me. Does that make sense?"

"Perfect." He wiped the last tear from his face. "I was just thinking, as I walked home, I was thinking about you. I went over all your behaviors, everything you've done since I first released you from the Captchalogue Card so many months ago. I realized that I've been a stupid fool, and that I've hurt you. And the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt my best bro. Especially," he whispered the next part, "when you still love him."

"Dave…"

"I know you don't feel the same, so don't feel bad. I'm just, I'm tired of lying to myself, and I'm tired of lying to you." He looked up, "So, do you forgive me?"

You smile wide, "Yeah of course, how could I not? You've always been the difficult one." He laughs and you do too. You begin to feel that maybe things will get better now. Things will definitely get better. "You know, I always believe you'd come around. Because, you're Dave Strider. You're the coolest friend I've ever had. Because you're my friend, my best bro. I knew you see that. I just had to wait."

"You remember everything about me, right?"

"Every pesterlog. I never did get a chance to thank you for the bunny." You leaned over and hugged your friend, "Thanks for the bunny Dave; it was the best birthday present I've ever got."

His eyes watered again and he cried on your shoulder. He said your name over and over again. Your name, not his nickname for you. "I don't deserve such nice friends."

"Yes you do."

He pulled away and looked at you again, "I wish I could take the green out of your eyes."

"It's ok, I kinda like it now. It makes me special."

It was then he pressed his lips to yours.  "Dave?"

"John, I still love you. Not just my memories, but you. How you can still keep your head up after all this. You're strong, you're a hero." You smiled and he kissed you again, "and you still have that adorable grin."

"Dave I don't know what to say…"

"Then don't say anything." He kissed you again, only this time you returned it. "You're something special Egbert, don't ever forget that."

You grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "I…Dave I… Can you can understand if I'm confused. I just…I don't know what I want."

He looked away, "I know. I'm done forcing things on you. I'm done making you feel like shit. Can we go back to how we used to be? When we were just best friends? Before any stupid games, before the life and death choices, before the desperation that lead to your creation. Could we do that?"

"Of course. You have no idea how much I missed those times."

The next few days were amazing. Finally something felt right, everything felt like it was back to normal. Of course, you still had to keep yourself a secret, but now you had your friend back. Soon Karkat would be able to visit, he called the other day. Hearing his voice was comforting; he said he'd back in two days.

Dave pulled out his turntables, something he told you he hadn't played since the game. The house was filled with the pulsating beats of his music. Dave smiled more, he was becoming more than a blank face and reflective glasses, he was becoming a person again. You watched his hands slide across the records and your heart beat in synch with the bass. He was an amazing person, so bright, so serious, and he truly cared about his friends. Even when he made mistakes, and seemed lost, he ended up coming back.

To you, Dave Strider is more of a hero then you ever were.

---

The next time Karkat saw John he was older again. "Hey John, how have you been?" He asked as soon as the door opened.

"Oh gosh! Karkat I've been great!" He hugged the troll close and buried his face in his neck. "I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too." Karkat let himself be lead inside, but, this time instead of going straight for his room the boy plopped down on the couch.

"So much has happened, you have no idea." John gave him a mild rundown on the events. The boy left out more personal parts, but told most of the story. "So basically, everything feels great. Like it's supposed to." John tossed a controller to Karkat. "Wanna play videogames? Dave got some news ones."

Soon the room was filled with the laughter and shouting of two teenagers playing a first person shooter. Dave watched from the doorway, he saw how John would lean on Karkat, and how the troll would look away from the screen long enough to glance at John fondly. Dave sat on the edge of the couch, "I play whichever one of you losers' wins."

"Fine with me." John agrees, "But you know, I've gotten pretty good!"

"Bullshit."

That week was a week of firsts for that house. It was the first time it heard music, and the first time it held friendship.